The Ballad of a hot mess

So... I lost my job Friday. Anyone that knows me, knows that working is my life. I've worked every year since I was 16. If you do the math, that's 10 years... The last few months, I started adding to my nightly prayer to be shown a direction.. I needed guidance. I needed someone to tell me what to do. I had a dream, as do many. I had the keys to execute every plan almost flawlessly. When it came down to it, I would conk out and continue to settle into my cushy office position. I was the boss. Not the big boss, but a boss nonetheless. I ran my district with ease, and although there were times that I would want to kill the CEO, I considered many of my co-workers to be family. Then things started to go wrong.... I started to become miserable. I didn't have time for anything. I barely saw my family. I worked from home, weekends, even after and before hours. Work started to consume my entire life. What was worse, it was in a job that I wanted nothing to do with. Medicine and writing are my passions. Working for a corporate Handyman empire was just to pay the bills. But they owned my soul, in my mind at least. My affinity for independence, nice things, and vacays kept me chained to the heels of that awful company.
I watched the man that would now take my position tell me that my services would no longer be needed. I heard nothing come out of his mouth. I felt my ears get hot and the room spin. If I didn't tune him out I would have thrown up all over his desk. This little shit. The same little shit that I trained. Taught him just enough for him to excel. Watched him become the new favorite of the office. All those times I felt it coming and I shrugged it off and immersed myself in spreadsheets, profit and loss standards, and vendor registration. But yet, here I am. In bed at 9:12 on a Monday. I knew it was coming. At first, I kept a pretty calm demeanor. This past weekend I found myself laughing and joking about the situation. But as Monday approached my attitude became more volatile. It was like a dark storm cloud that I could see approaching in the horizon. I tried to keep myself busy by scrubbing the entire apartment from top to bottom. It worked for awhile, but every 5 seconds my mind kept drifting back to WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO KISHA? My friend offered me a job which I thankfully accepted. It's a significant pay cut but a job is a job and I am eternally grateful. Monday morning came and at first I had a little difficulty. I got up to walk my dog and grab a cup of coffee per usual, but the only difference is, I would be going home and staying home. I kicked off my shoes and drank my iced coffee in bed, bordering between sadness and excitement. I decided to try and distract myself by going on Facebook. There among the many notifications was one for a picture in a club that I am in. It completely knocked me off my feet

 

 

It made me realize that I had asked for this.. I asked for a sign. It may not have been the sign I expected, but it's there nonetheless. I finished sending off the necessary paperwork to begin my job change in the Navy, and sent off my transcripts to the rest of the colleges on my list. There is a reason for everything. Every encounter, every change, every new experience, every heartbreak, and every triumph. The reasons are not always known in the beginning, but it's up to us how we handle each one.

It is what it is

I cannot keep confusing what you're doing with love... Love isn't suppose to make me feel like shit.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me

Dear Love,
You've given me life when I thought I would never breathe again
You gave me love for my beautiful god daughter
And Love for my unborn god son
Unconditional love for my family and friends.
My career, and my dog
But love. You really fucked me good this time.
I fell in love. A deep love. A love so encompassing that I never wanted to step outside of it's warm embrace.
A love so heavy at times it felt hard to breath
A love so innocent I blushed whenever I said your name
A love so bright, it blinded me from the truth.
How could I be so stupid love?
The signs were in front of me. Signs that I could touch, see, and feel
But I was lost in naïve hope.
Hope that one day, me and love would be on the same plane
Not this 1 sided love I had grown to adore
To yearn for
A love I had thirsted for. I was hungry for your power
A love that kept me up at night. Thinking of ways to outsmart your murderous chokehold
I had to stop
Had to let myself go
Because love, I started to forget myself
Started to compromise myself
I blamed it on the "greater good"
But I was slowly destroying myself.
My love, did not love me
And I was heart broken
My love sought other women
And I was heart broken
Like an addict I knew I had to quit you cold turkey
Shivering, and alone in the fetal position my heart cried out to you love
You faintly replied with answers you thought I wanted
I thought I wanted them to
I missed your sweet nothings. Your empty words that echoed so beautifully in my ear
I missed calling your name. Love. Sounded so sweet dancing off of my tongue
But love, you only loved what you thought you could get
And I will admit, I gave you what you wanted and expected little in return
You took it
With reckless abandon you took my love
My pure, sweet love.
You made it ugly
It made me bitter
Love I will probably never forgive you for this
I understand that in order to open myself up for my next blessing I will have to
But love I'm hurt, and there's nothing anyone can do about it
Time heals all they say. Love. This will take time
But I will fight.
My armor of hope, and my shield of forgiveness will help me navigate my way through this war
But I will be triumphant
Because love, I'm no quitter
You may have tricked me all those years, but you forgot one thing
The strongest love anyone can have, is the one they have for themselves
So in the words of the amazing Samantha Jones
Love,
I love you. But I love me more

Stop! The love you Save may be your own

Two weeks ago while perusing on Twitter (while I was suppose to be working) *coughs*  an interesting tweet showed up on my Timeline. It was a punk bitch  man claiming that none of his girlfriends could make more than him, or be more successful than him. The slander that showed up in his mentions was classic, and many men decided to take there stab at him and call him out on his shit. "You cant be serious" said some, and "N*gga, what do YOU do" said others. I wanted to add my two cents in to the mix, but it got me thinking. Many of these guys (and girls) showed utter outrage that somebody could be so set back in their thinking, that they would feel emasculated if their female counterpart was more successful than them. In reality, people think like that ALL the time.  There are plenty of guys that can't stand for a woman to be more successful than him. You know how many times my single girlfriends have said that guys were intimidated by their degrees and good jobs?
The last guy I was seeing did not understand that I write. (I love writing for the Examiner and it's damn good money). I draw a lot of writing pieces from personal experiences, and he just happened to be the muse to most of my best work... (shouldn't have been fuckin up). Although I never used names (to protect the innocent.. mainly myself) It still made him very uncomfortable that I would engage in lengthy dialogues about some fuck shit he did. He would call me out and say that it was subtweeting, or subwriting, and rarely read any of my work. I would like the record to show that I could understand how jilting it must be to experience something, then read it, and read other people's commentary. Honestly, I got tired of defending myself and my decision to express myself the way I wanted to, while making a little money on the side.
I explained all this to one of my best male friends Trent (whom you all have had the pleasure of reading in one of my older blog's "The Waiting Game"). He said, 

 "He doesn't respect your hustle. You need someone that understands you and what you do"

He was absolutely right. I thought on this for awhile as I contemplated how I was going to handle our situation. Later on that day while talking to my roommate, she randomly stated

" You can only really have one... Love or a career. And they way things are going for me, I might just choose love"
 

 I was floored. Here was my roommate, one of the brightest in our class, beautiful, smart, and incredible talented, saying that if she had a man that wanted her to choose between him and her career that she would choose him. It brought me back to that fool from Twitter saying that he wouldn't date anybody more successful than him.
Has it really come to that? Do we have to choose between the two? Where are they guys that would prefer that you had your life together? I have no idea because clearly I'm still single as hell. But if I do have to choose between the love of my life, and the LOVE that I have for my life, what would I choose?