Matters of the heart. Pretty much suck

Hi!
Don't even say anything about that fact that I haven't written in months. How do I even know people read this?. I know. I know. But life has really been kickin my ass. I'll explain later.
 Today, I'd like to discuss the fact that my heart is out to kill me.
I've written many times about how much I HATE when somebody uses that tired ass excuse "I've been hurt before". I used to hate hearing that (and yes I've heard it often). It was never a good excuse to me, because everybody is different. Don't make me pay for the sins of others. Right? Somewhat right. See, before I got into the situation that I'm in now, I always believed that everybody got a clean slate when they started dating new people. Boy was I wrong.
So... there's this guy. That I like. Well love. Like, a lot. And unfortunately I've heard that "I was hurt" excuse from him.. multiple times. I was actually starting to think that maybe it's just me. Maybe we're so incompatible in the important areas, but not the physical ones, that I wasn't even worth a try. Then something strange happened. We went out on a date. A DATE.
THAT my friends is when my heart started plotting against me...

I started feeling a certain type of way if we didn't talk when I wanted to talk

If I would notice certain things on a social network

The way we interacted in a social setting

I started finding reasons to ignore a text, or catch an attitude.

Now I know what you're thinking. WHAT THE FUCK?!
All this time I spent trying to get to this point and now I'm sabotaging it. WHYYYY?
Well.... Because I've been hurt before *ducks the many invisible shoes being thrown at my head Bush-style*
I know, I know. How could I persecute someone for using that excuse with me, when I was using it with them? Because now I know what it means.
I'm literally SO terrified of getting my feelings hurt by this dude, that I'll do whatever it takes to protect my heart.
Well now my heart is so "protected", I've pretty much isolated myself. Islands are no fun if you don't have someone to fuck frolic with..
So where do I go from here? Who knows. I surely don't. But I can say that I've learned a very valuable lesson. I wont be so quick to shoot down someones feelings or responses just because I haven't yet experienced them.
God I hate being an adult

Is 25 the new mid- life crises?

It all started 2 weeks ago.. The feeling. I was coming home from work when I noticed I had mail in my mailbox. Now, I know that having mail is a routine thing, but I just moved into my own place, so my first piece of mail was a magical moment for me. As I heisman'd my way through the crowd of children that play in my yard, I snatched my envelopes out of it's respective holding quarters and ran to my door two steps at a time. With careless abandon I slung my Kate Spade messenger bag and Navy issued Pea coat to the side only to find 3 very large disappointments. The first piece of mail was a letter for purchasing life insurance. The second piece of mail was a letter from an anonymous church in Oklahoma which contained a prayer blanket, and the third was the biggest surprise, ( and biggest let down) of all... An AARP magazine. Thinking that the magazine was a joke, my eyes frantically searched the little white address box at the bottom of the cover page, praying that this was some sort of mix up. But alas, on the bottom in full display was my name and address. This had been no accident. Why on earth had I received a magazine for the elderly? As I flipped through the pages, words like Osteoporosis, menopause, and erectile dysfunction jumped out at me. Every second that I spent skimming the pages, I could feel my bones shrinking, and my ovaries shriveling up. I decided to toss the items in the recycling bin and continue on with my day. Fast forward to the next day. As I was boarding the bus for work, a boy who couldn't be any younger than 10 stepped aside and let me board before him. I thanked him with a smile and started to climb the stairs as he shouted to the bus driver, "Aren't you gonna lower the bus"? Wait. What? "No no no, I'm fine" I assured the bus driver. But to my embarrassment he began to lower the bus. I managed to grumble a generic thanks under my breath, to which the boy responded, "You're Welcome ma'am." Well yall. That right there did it. Ma'am? Ma'am?!  My mother and grandmother are ma'am. I'm not ma'am. I was horrified, and shook. It couldn't have been a coincidence that I had received a letter for life insurance, the official handbook to getting old, and had been "helped" onto a public bus. Much later on in the day during one of my breaks, I decided to keep up with the times and check in on my Facebook account. I don't update it that often so I wasn't caught up with every body's tea. As I began to scroll through the timeline, I noticed that mostly everyone I knew, from High school, to CAU to the Navy were either engaged, married, or pregnant. When the HELL did that happen? Had I missed some sort of memo that I was in fact... old? It was the final straw. I quickly text my best friends to tell them that I was going to find a boyfriend and fall in line with the rest of my peers. Soon after I sent that text, a received 1 from a guy I had met a few weeks ago. He was very attractive, and older then me which was a plus. We kept missing each other due to our schedules, and he wanted to hook up since we both had some free time. I was ecstatic! I got myself together and an hour later I was in his company. Things were going pretty well until he began filling me in on the details of his life. He didn't have a job (but was employed.. hmmm... I'll let you conclude what he does). His parents own an apartment complex, but he lives with his mother. (hmmmm... ). He rarely drove because he was always letting someone else "borrow" his car (hmmmm). And last but certainly not least, he had 3 practically grown children. Usually, I would have emotionally checked out of the conversation after he had stated he wasn't legally employed. But I decided to ditch my shallow Hal ways and look past everything else. We began discussing my accomplishments and what I wanted for the future. As I was talking, I began listening to everything I was saying and in the middle of me telling him about going to Nursing school, I began to smile. 25 isn't old. I wasn't old. In fact, I'm in my prime. I still have so much life to live, and so many other things to do. I couldn't believe that I let a  magazine, and a boy who was only displaying his wonderful home training change my thinking. The date was pretty much over, and although he was a cool guy, he had a lot more growing up to do. I did tweek myself out for at least a week with my "I'm old" mentality. But the reality is, I'm not the only 25 year old that thinks this. In fact, there were many times that I had to calm my best friend down from fits of hysteria the closer her birthday came. In today's society, everyone is in a huge rush to "grow up". The rush is so major, that age restraints have become completely useless. 12 year olds are already checking into alcohol rehab, 15 year olds are moms and dads, and grandparents are still clubbing it up. It only makes sense that my mid-life crises would come a few years early. Today, I'm perfectly content with where I am. I'm happy, and healthy with a loving family, wonderful friends, and jobs with great benefits. I'm exactly where I should be plus sum. But don't think I didn't take anything in the AARP magazine serious.. uh, hello calcium pills? What? Osteoporosis is real.
Kisha_Fashionista

A single girl's musings on being single

Well.. what can I say?
These last few months have been a whirlwind for me... A higher position at my job, more collateral duties with the Navy, moving into my own place, and changing my career path. WHEW!
In the midst of all the turmoil, months after my breakup, I've allowed myself to finally let go and "date".
The concept of "dating" is very new to me... When I look back on my life and the people that I've allowed in, I realize that I made many mistakes... The biggest mistake of all was not allowing myself time to be with me. I've always had someone I was either exclusively dating, or someone I was "talking to", or whatever it is you kids call it nowadays. There was always someone to text, or call when I wanted to chat with he opposite sex. Someone always willing to grab a quick lunch, dinner, or movie... Always, someone. I was never ALOOONE..
Now that I find myself alone, I'm treading in waters completely foreign to me, and I'll admit, I was not handling it very well.. But as I sat in my living room waiting for my alarm to go off, I gave myself time to really examine what it was that I was doing wrong.
*gasp*
wait.. wait.. yes, I will admit that maaaaaby, I have played a crucial role in a lot of my relationship outcomes. There were moments where I did not allow myself to be treated wonderfully. I was so bored with the thought of routine, that I would blind myself to what it feels like to really be courted. Two missed potentially golden opportunities later and here I am.
It's not all my fault though.
Well, I guess it is.
I wont be that girl that blames her parents (because mine were wonderful and loving). I had no early childhood traumas, and I come from a caring support system. No, my quirks are all my own.
I also came up with another conclusion. I expect a lot out of someone, but fail to put much effort in myself, especially if no clear titles have been given
All of these realizations came to me this very morning, and I made a vow that I would stop getting in the way of my own happiness. Easier said then done right? Right. But I figure the path to self discovery is like a 12 step program. The first step is admitting there may or may not be a problem
Kisha_Fashionista

The Waiting Game

(photo credit: madame Noire.com)

Ok ladies, you’ve been there. You meet a guy that you’re really attracted too. You go on dates, you hold hands, you kiss, he pays for dates, and your female friends all awww every time you mention a cute little quirk of his. Around month 3 or 4, Everything is going great and you’vecompletely cut off all communication and ties with any other man. You’re out with your guy, looking and feeling great and he runs into someone he knows. Youextend your hand to say hello, and he introduces you as his friend. (wait what? Friend? Friend! FRIEND?!) YIKES! After you’ve picked your face up, you continue on with the handshake and fake pleasantries but inside you are STEWING. What do you do? What do you say? So I ask.. What is the appropriate time frame between dating and the title of “girlfriend”? This is where the waiting game comes to play. Men have all sorts of reasons, cross overs and rebound plays as to why they aren’t ready to play the relationship game. Some say “I’ve been hurt before” (blah) or “I just don’t want to jump into something serious right now” (double blah). So what’s a girl to do? In my opinion,there are 2 options. Give him the ultimatem and let him know, there’s no point in waiting when the chemistry is obviously there, OR you wait it out until he’s ready to make you co- coach.. My opinions on the matter will definitely be discussed later on in theblog, but I figured to counteract my ownbiased opinions, I’d ask my guy friend Trent.

Ladies sometimes you tend to over value the small stuff and completely ignore what is important. If I am talking to yo ass all the damn time, and i'm with yo ass all the damn time and no other females are getting my romantic attention ( romance is deeper than sex) and yes your the only person I am sleeping with WTF else are yo looking for? How about this. If your "hanging" with a guy and you like what you got going on, DON'T ROCK THE BOAT!!! You mean to tell me your willing sacrifice all of your happiness, and smiles, and orgasms over a title that holds little to no weight!?!?!?! I suggest if you are currently involved in a situation that you enjoy, GO WITH THE FLOW!!! Do not confuse going with the flow with settling as they are two completely different things. Ladies play your part, allow your man to lead. If you all both are feeling each other it will not be a damn secret. If you get introduced as his lady roll with it. There don't need to be a meeting or convo about the shit, yall already doing everything a "Relationship" entails. He just made it PUBLIC. Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't change the routine that's gonna fuck everything up and make a dude look at you funny and different. A man's escape plan is a lot more abrupt and cold, and can be initiated at the drop of a dime. Ladies don't let the girlfriend shit be the cause of your evacuation. Remember the goal is to get the RING. Being a girlfriend means you are about 17% into your jorney into becoming that man's wife. Continue to go with the flow if he is giving you everything your looking for from your man or at least 80% of it, don't pressure him into marriage because of your own funky ass personal issues.Those ultimatums never work dont bring that poison around.

And there we go. A man's perspective on the waiting game. In a previous blog I talked about titles. Really what it all comes down to is personal preference. I've been on both sides of the spectrum. A titled relationship after a few months of dating and a few YEARS of dating with no title (rough days man) It's my firm belief that when you want something bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes to keep it. (Sports teams and owners make it rain on players all the time) The same should apply for "relationships". If a man sees that the lack of a title is really bothering the lady that he's very interested in, if she means that much to him, he'll compromise. There is no sport in history that is fun with just 1 player. Life is a hard enough challenge, with someone by your side, it makes the game all the more fun

@Elle_is_Haute

@BoogBrownUMA

The Good Fight

The dictionary defines fighting as “taking part in a violent
struggle involving the exchange of physical blows or the use of weapons” . It
is also described as the act of engaging in war.

When you first hear the word fight, what’s the first image that pops into your head? Unfortunately, thanks to today’s society, when I hear or read the word fight I think about Love and Hip Hop and Chrissy beating that unfortunate girl out of her yaky ponytail. But what does fighting mean in a relationship? I’m not talking about heavy weight boxing matches between two
lovers, or a yelling match that can be heard a mile away. I’m talking about
what happens, when 1 party stops putting up a fight?

Usually when women sense that something is wrong they use war
tactics to find out intelligence secrets of the opposing side. I hate to bring
up Love and Hip Hop again, but in last week’s episode, we saw that Chrissy threatend
Jim with a breakup if he didn’t propose. While in Miami, she told her friends how hurt
she was that Jim seemed completely unfazed by her claims. She felt like he didn’t
even fight for her. They say actions speak louder than words. You can say you’re
leaving or you will or won’t do something until your blue in the face. But when
those words are followed by actions that are how you know where you stand. Now
some men might take this as playing games, but honestly it’s a very cleaver
(but risky) way of finding out what’s really good.

Take myself for example. After a few years of giving up the
milk for free, I finally decided to let farmer john know it wasn’t going down
like that anymore. The response I got was nothing short of a should shrug, a
pat on the back, and a bid for a good day. Imagine how stupid I felt to know
that what I felt, and what he was feeling where on 2 totally separate planes.
There was absolutely NO fight in him. After a couple of minutes of feeling
stunned and a little hurt. I picked my pride back up and realized that his
reaction was the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. Why? Because now
I know where we stood. That’s why I said the actions followed by the words were
risky. If you aren’t willing to accept that you may not be worth the fight then
by all means stay in your bubble of ignorance.

Don't take that last statement as judgment because it’s not.
I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions, because you should strive for
better every day of your life. But if you’re going to resolve to do anything,
fight for forward progression. Anybody who is content with mediocrity and
doing, and saying the same thing day in and day out with no progression, doesn’t
deserve your fight. If it’s worth it, put up your dukes. But it takes 2 people
to fight, and if you’re the only 1 putting in the effort, then the battle has
already been lost.