Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Matters of the heart. Pretty much suck

Hi!
Don't even say anything about that fact that I haven't written in months. How do I even know people read this?. I know. I know. But life has really been kickin my ass. I'll explain later.
 Today, I'd like to discuss the fact that my heart is out to kill me.
I've written many times about how much I HATE when somebody uses that tired ass excuse "I've been hurt before". I used to hate hearing that (and yes I've heard it often). It was never a good excuse to me, because everybody is different. Don't make me pay for the sins of others. Right? Somewhat right. See, before I got into the situation that I'm in now, I always believed that everybody got a clean slate when they started dating new people. Boy was I wrong.
So... there's this guy. That I like. Well love. Like, a lot. And unfortunately I've heard that "I was hurt" excuse from him.. multiple times. I was actually starting to think that maybe it's just me. Maybe we're so incompatible in the important areas, but not the physical ones, that I wasn't even worth a try. Then something strange happened. We went out on a date. A DATE.
THAT my friends is when my heart started plotting against me...

I started feeling a certain type of way if we didn't talk when I wanted to talk
If I would notice certain things on a social network
The way we interacted in a social setting
I started finding reasons to ignore a text, or catch an attitude.
Now I know what you're thinking. WHAT THE FUCK?!
All this time I spent trying to get to this point and now I'm sabotaging it. WHYYYY?
Well.... Because I've been hurt before *ducks the many invisible shoes being thrown at my head Bush-style*
I know, I know. How could I persecute someone for using that excuse with me, when I was using it with them? Because now I know what it means.
I'm literally SO terrified of getting my feelings hurt by this dude, that I'll do whatever it takes to protect my heart.
Well now my heart is so "protected", I've pretty much isolated myself. Islands are no fun if you don't have someone to fuck frolic with..
So where do I go from here? Who knows. I surely don't. But I can say that I've learned a very valuable lesson. I wont be so quick to shoot down someones feelings or responses just because I haven't yet experienced them.
God I hate being an adult

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