The Waiting Game

(photo credit: madame Noire.com)

Ok ladies, you’ve been there. You meet a guy that you’re really attracted too. You go on dates, you hold hands, you kiss, he pays for dates, and your female friends all awww every time you mention a cute little quirk of his. Around month 3 or 4, Everything is going great and you’vecompletely cut off all communication and ties with any other man. You’re out with your guy, looking and feeling great and he runs into someone he knows. Youextend your hand to say hello, and he introduces you as his friend. (wait what? Friend? Friend! FRIEND?!) YIKES! After you’ve picked your face up, you continue on with the handshake and fake pleasantries but inside you are STEWING. What do you do? What do you say? So I ask.. What is the appropriate time frame between dating and the title of “girlfriend”? This is where the waiting game comes to play. Men have all sorts of reasons, cross overs and rebound plays as to why they aren’t ready to play the relationship game. Some say “I’ve been hurt before” (blah) or “I just don’t want to jump into something serious right now” (double blah). So what’s a girl to do? In my opinion,there are 2 options. Give him the ultimatem and let him know, there’s no point in waiting when the chemistry is obviously there, OR you wait it out until he’s ready to make you co- coach.. My opinions on the matter will definitely be discussed later on in theblog, but I figured to counteract my ownbiased opinions, I’d ask my guy friend Trent.

Ladies sometimes you tend to over value the small stuff and completely ignore what is important. If I am talking to yo ass all the damn time, and i'm with yo ass all the damn time and no other females are getting my romantic attention ( romance is deeper than sex) and yes your the only person I am sleeping with WTF else are yo looking for? How about this. If your "hanging" with a guy and you like what you got going on, DON'T ROCK THE BOAT!!! You mean to tell me your willing sacrifice all of your happiness, and smiles, and orgasms over a title that holds little to no weight!?!?!?! I suggest if you are currently involved in a situation that you enjoy, GO WITH THE FLOW!!! Do not confuse going with the flow with settling as they are two completely different things. Ladies play your part, allow your man to lead. If you all both are feeling each other it will not be a damn secret. If you get introduced as his lady roll with it. There don't need to be a meeting or convo about the shit, yall already doing everything a "Relationship" entails. He just made it PUBLIC. Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't change the routine that's gonna fuck everything up and make a dude look at you funny and different. A man's escape plan is a lot more abrupt and cold, and can be initiated at the drop of a dime. Ladies don't let the girlfriend shit be the cause of your evacuation. Remember the goal is to get the RING. Being a girlfriend means you are about 17% into your jorney into becoming that man's wife. Continue to go with the flow if he is giving you everything your looking for from your man or at least 80% of it, don't pressure him into marriage because of your own funky ass personal issues.Those ultimatums never work dont bring that poison around.

And there we go. A man's perspective on the waiting game. In a previous blog I talked about titles. Really what it all comes down to is personal preference. I've been on both sides of the spectrum. A titled relationship after a few months of dating and a few YEARS of dating with no title (rough days man) It's my firm belief that when you want something bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes to keep it. (Sports teams and owners make it rain on players all the time) The same should apply for "relationships". If a man sees that the lack of a title is really bothering the lady that he's very interested in, if she means that much to him, he'll compromise. There is no sport in history that is fun with just 1 player. Life is a hard enough challenge, with someone by your side, it makes the game all the more fun

@Elle_is_Haute

@BoogBrownUMA

The Good Fight

The dictionary defines fighting as “taking part in a violent
struggle involving the exchange of physical blows or the use of weapons” . It
is also described as the act of engaging in war.

When you first hear the word fight, what’s the first image that pops into your head? Unfortunately, thanks to today’s society, when I hear or read the word fight I think about Love and Hip Hop and Chrissy beating that unfortunate girl out of her yaky ponytail. But what does fighting mean in a relationship? I’m not talking about heavy weight boxing matches between two
lovers, or a yelling match that can be heard a mile away. I’m talking about
what happens, when 1 party stops putting up a fight?

Usually when women sense that something is wrong they use war
tactics to find out intelligence secrets of the opposing side. I hate to bring
up Love and Hip Hop again, but in last week’s episode, we saw that Chrissy threatend
Jim with a breakup if he didn’t propose. While in Miami, she told her friends how hurt
she was that Jim seemed completely unfazed by her claims. She felt like he didn’t
even fight for her. They say actions speak louder than words. You can say you’re
leaving or you will or won’t do something until your blue in the face. But when
those words are followed by actions that are how you know where you stand. Now
some men might take this as playing games, but honestly it’s a very cleaver
(but risky) way of finding out what’s really good.

Take myself for example. After a few years of giving up the
milk for free, I finally decided to let farmer john know it wasn’t going down
like that anymore. The response I got was nothing short of a should shrug, a
pat on the back, and a bid for a good day. Imagine how stupid I felt to know
that what I felt, and what he was feeling where on 2 totally separate planes.
There was absolutely NO fight in him. After a couple of minutes of feeling
stunned and a little hurt. I picked my pride back up and realized that his
reaction was the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. Why? Because now
I know where we stood. That’s why I said the actions followed by the words were
risky. If you aren’t willing to accept that you may not be worth the fight then
by all means stay in your bubble of ignorance.

Don't take that last statement as judgment because it’s not.
I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions, because you should strive for
better every day of your life. But if you’re going to resolve to do anything,
fight for forward progression. Anybody who is content with mediocrity and
doing, and saying the same thing day in and day out with no progression, doesn’t
deserve your fight. If it’s worth it, put up your dukes. But it takes 2 people
to fight, and if you’re the only 1 putting in the effort, then the battle has
already been lost.

Word of the day: DUH-lusional

I've decided to incorporate of word of the day into my blog. Simply because I'm all about the reach one teach one method. So today's word of the day is DUH-lusional.

DUH-lusional [duh-loo-zhu-nl]

Adjective

1) Having an exaggerated false sense of belief or opinion

Now I know what you're thinking. Ummm, that's not how you spell delusional. I get that, and gold star to you for pointing out the obvious. Delusional and DUH-lusional are actually 2 different words in my vocabulary. You can be a little delusional while still holding on to some kind of sanity and pride. But when someone thinks of you as DUH-lusional, there's just no hope left. This morning on twitter, me (@Haus_of_Kish) and my bestriend @6inchwalka got into a discussion about people passing the harshest judgement on others via Internet, but do the same things in their every day life. Leading me to believe that these sort of people are way past the delusional state, and making their way into DUH-lusional town. I mean.. DUH! How can you think for a second that pointing out somebody else's flaws or short comings (that you share with them I might add) will in some way take away from the fact that you do it too? Just goofy. I'll admit, I can some times get a little Judge Judy (which I'm trying to work on) but could I ever fault somebody for cursing too much? Or having too much sex, or spending unnecessary money? Nooo, because I do all of that. (well minus the sex part, cuz ya girl is the Sahara over here... over share?)

In closing, be absolutely careful who you decide to slander or call out, and the reasons for said slander. You never know who's watching or listening. Be especially mindful about trying to snatch a shared wig, because the people that know you best, KNOW. After awhile, they aren't going to want to be around someone who's so much of a walking contradiction, leaving you friendless and alone. Just you and your DUH-lusions.

Whats good for the Goose?

Well Fabs,

This particular blog is not about love or lust. It is simply a blog talking about equality. Have you ever been in the situation where someone does something to you, and you turn around and do the same thing to them and it's like the world has come to an end? That's my issue right. damn. now. We all have that friend or family member that has no problem being a selfish little prick to any and everybody. They'll ask for rides without offering any gas, they'll eat all your food, or watch you order food then pick off your plate. Or do things more serious like bail out on a birthday, or fail to show up at the airport when your flight gets in. The fact is, we have all be victim to not being treated equally. Society has always taught us to use the eye for an eye mentality. Think about it. Whenever that mooch of a friend or family member has something that you might want, lets say, a bag of oreos (only because I'm feeling particularly fat today) Why the hell wouldn't you extend your hand to ask for a cookie after everything that you've given to them. But what could potentially happen next is sure to shock you to the pit of your hungry stomach. They say no. Then guilt you about how they haven't eaten in days, they're sugar is low blah blah blah. To sum it up, the scale tips... you right off.

Lets say it's something a lot more serious than sandwich cookies. Lets say you had a "friend" (boy we use that term SO loosely) who was a championship fuck up. But you love them dearly and always wish for their success. In the process of them fucking up, they in turn screw you over. Picture this, it's your birthday and you've spent months and months planning an elaborate celebration. Your hair is done, your nails are shinning, your lip gloss is poppin, and your party clothes are beat to perfection. You walk into your venue and see the smiling faces of your loved ones. Well, allllll but one. You go the whole night partially coherent, but you're just sober enough to realize, they still haven't made it. And on top of that, hasn't even bothered to call. Lets fast forward a bit. After everything you've been through with this person, they're still acting up and now, it's THEIR birthday. and you decide.. you know what, forget it. I'm stayin my ass right in the house to catch up on Private Practice. You think, well they wont trip, they didn't come to my shit. Ohhhhh but the next day, you have 3 texts full of curse words and a voodoo doll hidden in your front bushes. WTF?!

The truth is, everybody can dish it, but not everybody is built to take it. Some people find it so easy to be triflin to the ones that love them the most, but are quick to snap off if the exact thing is done to them.

So what to do? I have no clue. As everybody knows, everything i write about has happened to me. Meaning, i'm definitely writing from experience. The best thing you can do, is learn that you cant treat everybody equally, but accordingly. What does that mean? it means that the friend that has stuck by you in your worst moments, should NEVER get the same treatment as the friend that has no issue with standing you up on your happiest day. In fact, the triflin friend should get fed with the longest of long handled spoons. From a distant. It's not always easy letting go of someone that we once loved, but sometimes, you have to love yourself more.

Title Loans

Hey fabs,

I know the title of this blog is "Title Loans" but I can assure you, this is not about money. No, No, this blog, is all about titles and labels. People find a lot of importance in label people, places, and things. For instance, that loud girl on the train with fiery red hair and 4 kids runnin up and down the aisle smacking people upside their heads may be labeled as "ghetto". On the opposite end of the spectrum, is the black girl who talks extremely proper, with straight A's and rarely gets in trouble. What would her label be? *coughs* oreo *coughs again*. (I can say that because for several years that's what I was called). But I digress. The man with his pants sagging is labeled a "Thug" and the mom who drives a mini van is labeled a homemaker. Our society thrives off of being able to put every single thing into a category. But for women, titles mean more than any Goodwill sale Macys has ever put on. Here's an example:

I dated (I should use that term more loosely, but for now, deal) for 7 years off and on. For awhile it was all fun and games, but as time went on, I kept wondering, why am I getting treated like a girlfriend, but my relationship status on Facebook still says Single as hell?! We eventually ended up going our separate ways for a final time. A few months back, we ran into each other and caught up. Of course at first came the polite, you look good, so do you, whats new conversations. But later after a few drinks (we were at a bar) I finally came out and told him about my issues with him. In a drunken tearful vent, I asked "Why was it never me? It was always so and so, but never me" to which he replied " If it helps, it was always you, just without the title". So there it was.

In another isolated incident, a friend of mine (knowing that I'm involved) asked why I had not yet changed my relationship status on Facebook. Apparently, "it's complicated" is too simplistic for people. *shrugs*. Do we as females only settle for the feelings and leave the title by the wayside? And is the title even that important? The answer is......... It depends on the person. For me, there was a moment in time where titles didn't matter. But as I got older and started to appreciate my own self worth, I realized that I deserved both the feelings and the label. But please do not take my "self worth" statement as saying that anybody with self worth would want a title. It just depends on what you value in your life, and a silly (or not so silly) title may not be that high on your priority list.

So how does one go about procuring both the feelings and the title? Well, that answer isn't so easy. You have to find someone that is willing to shout from the rooftops that they are in fact taken with you, and by you. And as many gal fabs know, that is a challenge in itself. But, we like challenges don't we ladies? #MESSAGE *sigh* :)

Do you... Manscape?

hello Fabs,

Recently, it has been brought to my attention the number of females that get Brazilian waxes almost doubles in the winter season. Which at first was surprising because the winter season is when we are more covered up than normal. But then, I got to thinking, and I realized, well of course the number is higher. From late September to early March, there is an unwritten, highly spoken phenomena that happens when 2 people who couldn't think of anything better to do during the cold winter nights then cuddle, decide to temporarily (or not) come together. This phenomena is better known by it's street name as cuffing season. And what better way to kick off cuffing season as a female, then to get waxed and perfected for said cuff. But the more cuffing season was mentioned on Twitter, the more I came to realize that it was a high number of men requesting Brazilians on females. Asking a female to shave, or wax is extremely private.But ladies, it IS all about the presentation. I mean, you wouldn't serve Fillet Mignon on a garbage can lid would you? But fellas, if you're going to be so particular about how hairy her love below is, do me a favor. Go to your nearest restroom, unzip, and take a look at what you're working with. Are your balls smooth as eggs, or are you in serious need of deforestation. Lets get real, women don't want to feel like they're choking on a Brillo pad, just as much as you don't need chaff marks on your nose. This isn't a long blog like yesterday, it is simply a plea to the male species that if you're going to make requests such as these, at least be courteous enough to follow suite and manscape :)

Friends? With Benefits?

Ok Fabs,

We've all seen the movies. First it was that snooze of a movie with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. (sp? who cares). Then there was the movie with Mila Kunis (hotttt!) and Justin Timberlake (hotter!!!). You all know what movies I'm talking about. The super cliche, friends having sex movies. Two friends of the opposite sex who are fed up with the perils of dating decide to have casual consistent sex with no strings attached. Of course at first, both parties view this as the best idea since Christian slathered red on the bottom of his shoes. But anyone with genitalia (and a brain) know that casual sex is anything but. So I pose this question, Is there such thing as friends with benefits?

Well from my experience, I'm going to answer that with a big ol hell naw. I tried the friends who fuck route and do you know where it left me? Fucked. Let me explain....

A good friend and I both found ourselves single and available for the most part. Now when I say good friend, we were just that. Friends who shared the same extra curriculars *cough* and generally just enjoyed each others company. After a night of 1800 shots (which will have even the most rational thinker running down MLK Ave in their underwear) we decided to take our friendship to the next level, with the understanding that it was "just sex". For awhile it worked out beautifully. We would get up and partake in our vices, then dip off somewhere, get it in, and depart. But a few weeks into it, he threw a dinner in the mix. Soon going out to eat, then having jungle sex was the norm. But soon after, dinner turned into dates. And not the kind of dates where you drive 45 miles outside of the city to eat at some whole in the wall restaurant with toothless cooks and toilets that never flush all the way. We were at legitimate spots where many of our other acquaintances had easy access to us, and our business. In those moments my beloved Fabs is where I made my mistake. I really thought that because I was being taken out, our original "just friends" contract was suddenly null and void. And in my girlish mind, a whole new type of understanding was formed. It probably didn't help that I was majorly in love with him before we even decided to knock boots. But I truly believed that something was better than nothing. Well several months later, after a impromptu exit to bootcamp, an obvious avoidance and a boyfriend later, me and my "friend" no longer speak. Why? because 1 of us admittedly caught (kept) feelings. Now to this day, I still believe with all my heart that the feelings were mutual. But let him tell it, I was in the boat by myself. In the end, it all worked out because I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I'm happy in my situation, and whatever it is he's doing, I'm sure he's happy as well. But for awhile, I was really miserable. So again I ask, is there such thing as friends with benefits. What are benefits? In my mind, a benefit is something positive that comes out of putting in some kind of something. So is the benefit of sleeping with your friend a nut? Because if so, lets be honest, we are perfectly capable of doing that on our own. So what is the benefit? If the situation you land yourself in mimics Hollywood's grandiose idea of "friends with benefits", then of course your benefit is a lifetime partner with whom you have bomb sex with. But if your situation is like mine, where in the end you're left with more empty condom wrappers then answers, then the "benefits" look hella slim.

So in closing Fabs, whenever my amigas ask me my opinions on taking on a potential friend with benefit, my face always scrunches up to the point of non recognition. Simply because of the bitter taste that was left in my mouth from my previous experience. No. Pun. Intended. :)